What Stuck Out to Me Today

From this cool website I just found.
etiquetteforalady.tumblr.com

Ughhh.

You know that time you were sitting in some obscure math class and your professor said,
"YOU WILL USE THIS SOMEDAY!"?
And you thought to yourself, yeah right you're crazy!

Well they were right.

I hate it when they're right.

A Little Update/Some thoughts

Well, there hasn't been much time for blogging lately. 

Last week happened to be finals week, 

move-out-of-my-apartment week, 

and busiest week of the year at work with the local university's graduation and Mother's Day.

(I have the lovely job of being a server at a steak and seafood restaurant.)

Just when I thought I might drop dead from exhaustion, I started school again Monday. 

Ahhh, gotta love it...

On the bright side, I love my new classes,

they're only 3 weeks long,

and when they're over I'll be jetting off to South America!

I'll be writing a lot more about that soon.

But for now, I wanted to write about a post that I read this morning that I've been thinking about all day.

This post by Laura at A Diary of Little Things and Curiosities.

I'm telling you, that girl has a way with words. 

These two paragraphs really struck me because

I went through all of this not all that long ago (about a year and a half ago)

and I bet almost everyone has felt exactly the same way 

at some moment of his or her life:

"Yes. I, too, have been brokenhearted. And, well, truth is, I sometimes miss who I was then. No, I don't miss the desperation. I don't miss being the girl who moved through days as a shell of a person, a shadow of her former self. I don't miss the dull ache, the feeling of walking in a haze, the sensation of being in pieces--in fragile, sharp-edged pieces I didn't recognize.

What I miss is the fearlessness that emerged from the ruins. That feeling of having nothing, nothing at all, to lose. When you're heart is broken, you find and embrace an intimacy with yourself, a closeness to your own spirit, a kind and compassionate self-love that you can later forget to nourish. And in those most gut-wrenching hours of my own heartache, I remember turning inward, and to music, and to literature--toward any place where I knew I'd feel understood. Where I could find, if not the answers, then at least the most important and most compelling questions."

 

I remember searching and searching for anything that

helped me feel understood and helped me know that things would get better.

Because, I was certain at times that I would never feel better.

It's funny how dramatic it seems now...

I'm normally not a very dramatic person,

but I can honestly say that heartbreak makes you feel like you've gone crazy.

And maybe for awhile you do.

 

So for any of you going through this right now, 

I know it's hard, but it gets better.

One day you'll be like Laura and me and millions of others

who have experienced the same things

and look back and say, 

"I wouldn't want to go through that again, but now I know I can make it through anything."

 

And you'll realize that you're stronger, and more compassionate, 

and slowly you'll understand why you went through all those "gut-wrenching hours".

Because you learned so much and are a better person because of it.

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

-Liz Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Learning

* Disclaimer: I know this is long, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and just needed to get it out. :) *

The older I get, the more I realize that I have so much to learn still.  I've been thinking a lot lately though, about how far I've come since my first year of college.When I first moved away from home, I knew living on my own would be different, but I wasn't at all prepared for actual life. First I realized that living is expensive. You reach into the cupboard to grab something your Mom always had, only to realize it's not there. Let's just say there were quite a few tearful phone calls to my Dad that first year when my bank account somehow kept reaching zero. So you accept the fact that being on your own isn't quite the breeze you thought it would be...

Then it comes to friends. You sit in your first class surrounded by 250 other students and you realize you don't know a soul. You finally understand how it feels to be in a room full of people, but still feel alone. You sit by yourself expecting someone to introduce themselves to you...and no one does. Not everyone knows you like they did in High School, and even worse, no one seems to care. It's hard at first, but you accept the fact that you have to be proactive and start sitting by people and getting  to know them.

Then there's the ever confusing male population. I still haven't come close to figuring that one out (doubt I ever will!). All I can say is that there has been plenty of heartbreak, rejection, and insecurity. It's just part of life. After awhile you get stronger and you start to find one here or there that knows how to be respectful and kind.

Then it comes to a job. Dad tells you that you've got to learn to take care of yourself so you write up a resume and take it to a few places. No one calls you back. You slowly realize no one is going to say, "Oh, I know your Dad! I'd be happy to hire you" like they have so many times before at home. There are thousands of other students who are applying for the same jobs as you. So you accept the fact that you have to figure this one out yourself. And you march right up to the manager at a nice restaurant and shake his hand. Who would have thought you'd still be working here 4 years later?

There is a house of guys that I've become pretty good friends with. They hang out with a group of freshman girls quite a bit and at first I was incredibly annoyed by them...(was I ever that loud??) But then I remember what it felt like to be in their shoes. I can see little glimpses of insecurity behind their non-stop chatter. They just want to be accepted. Sometimes I want to stop them and say, 

"Hey, it's okay. Step by step you figure things out. More times than you'd like to admit, you are wrong and have to start working through things all over again. But everything is going to be okay. Surround yourself with people who respect you for who you are and just be yourself. Things will never go as planned, but they will work themselves out anyway. You'll look back someday and realize you've come a long way and that you're happy."

 

On planning

 

“I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end - we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing that you just can’t know it all. You know, life’s funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.”

Found on My Teacups in Peony

I used to be an almost obsessive compulsive planner.

I always wrote down everything on my calendar

and had a specific "Plan" for myself.

But, after a few things in life went completely opposite to what I had planned,

I learned the important lesson of letting it go. 

It's not necessary to plan out every detail.

In fact, it's impossible.

Sometimes you just have to wing it.

And well, " you might end up right where you belong."

 

Experiencing the Answers

In March last year I posted this quote:

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."
-Rainer Maria Rilke

I was having a hard time.

I didn't understand why I was going through such a time.

I remember reading this quote over and over and thinking about 

the part that says,

"At present you need to live the question.

Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it,

find yourself experiencing the answer,

some distant day."

So many things have fallen into place since then

and a lot of the time I find myself thinking,
 

"Ohhhhh...I get it now."

It's nice to finally understand.

I can actually say I'm glad I had a few rough months.

I would NOT want to go through them again,

but I learned so much and can honestly say

that I came out of the experiences a better person.

"Sometimes it's okay to fall apart because

you learn how to put yourself back together again."

Guess You Learn Something New Everyday

Sooo...I've been gone for awhile. Just jetting around Europe. Lake Powell. Enjoying my summer. Revisiting the past and repeating mistakes. But most of all learning some really important lessons. Someone else always says it better than I do so here's what I now know:

Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.

 -Mike Murdock 

(P.S. If it's a weakness...that's red flag number 1)

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
 -Albert Einstein

You did what you knew how to do and when you knew better, you did better.
 -Maya Angelou


I think we make the same mistakes more than once because we don't like to be wrong. We hope we weren't wrong...so we give it another try. Sometimes it takes falling on your face twice before you learn your lesson. Other times it takes three, or five, or fifteen. But the important thing is that you do eventually learn from them. 


I may be a little embarrassed how long it has taken me to learn certain lessons but I'm happy I've finally reached the point where I can wake up everyday and feel good about where I'm at in life. 


Another semester has just started and I couldn't be more excited. I like beginnings. They're a chance to leave the old behind and start new and fresh again. And I have a feeling this is going to be a good one. :)


P.S. My new apartment has the most worthless internet on earth. Can't get any pictures up now but I'll post some soon of my trip!

Lately

So I'm not sure where the summer has gone...but I'm already leaving for my trip in less than 3 weeks! Ahhh I can't believe it. Life has been so busy lately I haven't had a lot of extra time to write. When I'm not working, one of my best friend's Sarah and I are checking things off our "Summer Bucket List". It's the best. We made a list of all the things we wanted to do this summer and it's been great. Last week alone we went to Eclipse at midnight, went to a rodeo, went on a date, went out to eat, went hiking, layed out by the pool, and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's and Dear John. Have I mentioned that

I love summer ?

I've been going home a lot lately and have had a lot of time to think in the car. It's funny what kinds of things come to you when you're driving. There's been some things in my life the past few weeks that have been driving me crazy because I really have no control over them. I want to be able to fix the situations but really, the only thing I can do is wait and see how it all plays out. I've realized that I might just be the most impatient person, ever. And I don't know how to fix it. How do you become more patient? How do you just relax and wait? I mean, when there really isn't anything you do, I guess you have to be patient no matter what...but it's the relaxing part that's hard. Anyway, if there's anything I've learned in the almost 22 years of my life, it's to expect the unexpected. To know that life can change so fast. To plan for the worst, but hope for the best. It will be interesting to see what happens!

 (Sarah and I at some caves we hiked to last weekend)

Grass Therapy

I played on a competition soccer team when I was 12 till I was 18. My team was lucky enough to have the same coach throughout all these important years of growing up. More than just teaching us how to play soccer, he focused on helping us become better people. He taught us so many different things from how it was important to be on time when people are counting on you,to communicate as a team,to work through problems instead of ignoring them, to have fun together, to be honest and hardworking, and a million other things.I have a lot of respect for him still today even though it's been a few years since I've seen him. I've been thinking a lot lately about something he taught us called "Grass Therapy". He always told us if we made a mistake on the field, or if something didn't go as well as we would have liked it to that we should to try to learn something from it, then bend down, pick a handful of grass, and throw it. Just let the grass catch in the wind and blow away. And then don't think about the mistake/disappointment again. Just let it go. 

This semester has been a huge learning experience for me. I moved back up to school after studying abroad and living at home for a year. I came back after a pretty rough heartbreak (I hate that word, but really can't think of any other way to say it) and have had to readjust to college life, living on my own, and juggling school, work, and social life (usually in that order, unfortunately). I've had my ups and downs but it's been so good for me. It's still hard going home though...there's a song called "I'm Movin' On" by Rascal Flatts that says it perfect, "But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong. I'm movin' on." I decided that since this semester is ending, it's the perfect time for a little Grass Therapy. Now that I've learned from all my experiences, I can grab that handful of grass, throw it into the wind and never get hung up on those mistakes/disappointments again.  
Just let it go...I'm movin on. 

Wish me luck.

Epic Fail.

"So you think that you’re a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What’s wrong with that? In the first place, if you’ve any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free." -Tom Robbins

Hearts

(via)

Hearts are funny little things.

They can feel like they've been crushed into ten million little pieces.

They can feel empty.

They can feel hurt.

They can feel forgotten.

But slowly they change...

Somehow the pieces get put back together.

And they become stronger.

And one day you wake up and realize you feel...different.

Good.

Great even.

Ready to take on the world again.

And this new feeling, is such a relief.

Change

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another."

-Anatole France 

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is  life, and in change there is power."

-Alan Cohen      

I believe

I believe...in optimism. I believe that a good attitude is a choice. But I also believe that sometimes it’s normal to hate the world for a minute. I believe that you have hard times so you can learn and grow and that you have good times to learn to love life. I believe you have to love yourself and be okay with who you are. I believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason, to help you learn something. I believe in real love, you should become your best self. But those days when you are your _{worst self}, they should love you anyway. If they don’t, they don’t deserve you. I believe in pushing yourself. I DON’T believe we’re here to fail. I believe in being busy and productive. But I also believe in having “you” time and doing absolutely nothing just because you want to. I believe in wearing sweats, eating french fries and ice cream, and going shopping. But I also believe in self discipline. I believe that sunshine is happiness. But I also believe that there’s nothing like laying under the stars. I believe in singing as loud as you can to the radio by yourself in the car even though you probably look and sound ridiculous. I believe you can do anything if you're willing work hard enough. I believe that sometimes in life we will be disappointed, but if your hopes and dreams don't work out the way you wished, you can pick up the pieces and begin again. I believe that traveling is the best way to open your eyes to new things. I also believe it’s the best way to appreciate what you already have. I believe that best friends are lifesavers. I believe laughing so hard you can’t breathe is good for you. I believe in taking thousands and thousands of pictures to help you remember all the good and bad times you’ve had. I believe in enjoying the little moments, because they are what really matter.

Questions.

When I was younger, I was always asking my Dad, why? As I'm sure all kids do, I wanted to know the answer to everything. Why I had to do my chores, why I had to babysit when all my friends were out having fun, why I couldn't go with my parents on vacation, why I had to learn math, etc. etc. When my Dad got tired of answering my endless queries, he would always respond, "to make you ask questions." I hated this answer! "Just tell me!!" I would say. Then he would reply, “Don’t ask. Just do it.”

For some reason, I still get hung up on this question and tonight, as all sorts of “whys?” were bumping around in my head, I thought of my Dad answering, "to make you ask questions." Sometimes we don't understand why things are the way they are. But that's part of life. That's part of the living. I guess the trick is to not get caught up in the asking. "Don't ask. Just do it." I keep coming back to part of the quote I posted a few weeks ago:

 “…try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question…”

Living the question is hard for me. I’ve never been very patient. But I’m working on it. There’s a quote by Mary Engelbreit that has really stuck out to me, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” I don’t like not knowing. But I can’t change it. So for now I’ll work on accepting it.

(photo here)

You have got to discover you.

"I learned you have to trust yourself. Be what you are, and do what you ought to do, the way you ought to do it. You have got to discover You, what you do, and trust it." -Barbara Streisand

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have this little blue notebook that I write quotes in. I've probably had it for about 6 years and when I hear or read something I like, I write it down. I was reading through it recently, thinking about this "Discovering You" quote and I found a few others I like too:

"You don't have to sit on top of a mountain to discover what's right for you. You always know in your heart what you need to do. But you have to ask yourself if you're willing to make choices. Put yourself in a position where you're making choices about your life, rather than letting people make those choices for you. That's what balance is all about." - Liz Dolan

"Stop second guessing yourself. Trust yourself. Trust that you have made the right choice."

The past 6 months have been a little rough for me. Somewhere I fell into a rut. A self conscious, worried, anxious, tearful rut. I can't say what it was exactly that caused it. But it was hard. Honestly, there wasn't one big my-life-is-crumbling-down-around-me event. My life is not hard by any means. It was more of a cascade of little events that just really got me down. And there were so many times when I thought to myself, what is wrong with me? This isn't me. But something has changed. I spent last weekend at home, talked to someone I needed to talk to, went skiing with my family, and decided I'm done. Done worrying and done feeling anxious. Worrying doesn't do you any good. I've been so hung up on, am I doing the right thing? Am I where I should be right now in my life? But you have to trust yourself and take control of your life. Do the things that make you happy. Be with the people who make you smile. Set goals and work hard to make those goals happen. Help other people and let go of wanting to know how everything is going to turn out. I finally feel like I can breathe easy and that is such a relief.